A man after going through a painful divorce once asked, “Is love, for all its glory and grandeur, a monster that can eat the heart which it inhabits, a weight so great that it cannot be unburdened by a man’s sheer will?”
They say, love consumes a person. I believe it does. For all the right and wrong reasons. Logical or not. It’s truly ironic that love, the world’s strongest force, the magnificent energy that fills people with unbridled joy and passion could bring so much pain and sorrow.
It’s really odd that some of us would want to unlove, to choose to quit loving someone. We can end relationships but we can’t end feelings. The latter can never be undone. It is there to stay. You can pretend like they don’t exist but your brain will tell you otherwise. The feelings you’re painstakingly trying to suppress will always find a way to make you realize that it’s never wrong to still love the person you’ve broke-up with.
Feelings are supposed to be felt. After all, we’re human. “Everyone feels the feels.” It’s easy for some to say it’s not right to still continue loving someone because they’re not in that situation. And for them, it’s the most “logical” solution to end your sorrow. But in the case of a person who broke-up with his husband/wife, and/or, boyfriend/girlfriend, their decisions would be a combination of logic and emotion.
In break-ups, our human need to satisfying relationships are taken away. When this happen, a person experiences loss that greatly affects a person’s role within the relationship and how he’s valued and the need to be love and be loved. A loss of a function, the role of being a boyfriend/girlfriend, and/or, husband/wife, may cause a change in self-perception and can challenge sense of self worth. These disruptions and changes may threaten personal goals and individual potentials which will precipitate an inevitable period of grief.
Grief is a normal response to the experience of loss. Grieving is the process by which the person experiences grief. It involves what and how the person thinks, says and feels. Don’t think that you’re weaker that everybody else simply because you can’t move on from a previous relationship or you can’t seem to stop loving the person that got away.
Often, grieving is one of the most difficult and challenging processes of human existence. It is rarely comfortable or pleasant. But to be able to move on, we have to undergo such process. After all, saying good bye to people, places, dreams and objects are unavoidable passages as a person moves through the stages of growth and development. It may be planned, abrupt or sudden. These necessary losses allow us to change, develop and fulfill innate human potential.
The following are the stages we go through as proposed by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It can happen over a course of minutes, days, months or even years.
“We were just talking yesterday about our future plans, how we’d like to spend the rest of our lives together. It can’t be over.” “He/She must be pressured. I’ll give him/her time to think things through. He/She’ll text/call me when he/she’s ready. I know he/she will.”
Sounds familiar? The pain, confusion, disbelief of the gravity of the break-up is all we think about during this stage. We refuse to accept the reality that the relationship is over and we desperately try to reason out why the relationship shouldn’t have ended. It is also at this stage that we fixate on what our exes told us prior to the break-up that contradicts the situation we’re in. To compensate for the loss, we initially give ourselves unrealistic hopes that the relationship is salvageable.
“He’s a fucking asshole.” Or “She’s a bitch!” “He/she doesn’t deserve me!”
There goes your exclamatory statements. Good news, anger is but a normal emotional response at this stage. You come to realize that you deserve more. However, when your anger inflicts intentional harm to the other person or is directed towards yourself, it becomes unhealthy. Make sure you don’t kill your ex after breaking up with you. You don’t wanna see yourself rot in jail for merely trying to get even with the person who didn’t see your worth. Remember, you deserve more. You deserve better.
“Tell me what you want me to do/I’ll do everything you ask me just don’t break-up with me.” coupled with all the “Please baby. Please!!”
I think I skipped this stage from my own fair share of break-up stints in the past. If you didn’t, it’s okay. However, when you are the one bargaining, consciously or subconciously, you are trying to take the responsibility for why the relationship didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to be. You give yourself false hope that the relationship can be saved given that you perform necessary actions that would please your partner. It should never be that way. Keep in mind that it takes two people to make a relationship work and that both participants contribute to its end. It’s never the fault of one.
If by chance, you convinced your ex to get back together, make it a point that you don’t carry the relationship solo. Because if you do, it probably might not end well, either. You know, that are some of us who wouldn’t mind going through countless break-ups and reconciliations with one same person. I get it. You love with a love greater than the faults of your partner. Unfortunately, one can only take so much. Never be the receiving end of abuse.
“I want to die.” “I don’t think I’ll be able to love again.” “No one will ever love me.”
This stage sucks most of all the five proposed stages of grief. You just went down the drain and no matter how much your family and friends tell you how amazing, beautiful, talented, ambitious and easy to love you are, you can’t push yourself back up. The pain at this stage is intolerable that we just give.
If you see yourself endlessly sobbing, drinking, being a social recluse and exhibiting reckless behavior, congratulations! You’re depressed and it’s okay to feel unlovable after a break-up as long as you’re aware that this feeling should pass and that you have to take control of your life sooner or later.
The stage where you acknowledge where you are, what situation your in. Of course, you’re single once again. And it’s sweet, sweet Freedom! It is at this stage that you finally feel free of the emotional burden brought about by the break-up. Hope emerge (not to get back with the ex), and you realize that you can stand on your own and live a meaningful life after the loss.
According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross referring to the stages of grief, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”
Not everyone who’s grieving goes through all the stages and that’s okay! In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.
Feel the feels. Be emotional. Be human!